Twilight Lethbridge Style
by The-New-Cullens
Summary: Fanfic made by My Edward17 and FancyJumper. Please, no one be offended, this is just a joke on our friends. Also, a little bit of blackmail. But R&R anyway just because that's what we normally do. Read at own risk. Or at least that of your sanity!
1. The Waiting Room

Twilight – Lethbridge Style

Fanfic made by MyEdward17 and FancyJumper. Please, no one be offended, this is just a joke on our friends. Also, a little bit of blackmail. But R&R anyway just because that's what we normally do. Read at own risk. Or at least that of your sanity!

Chapter 1 –The Waiting Room

Erin's POV

There weren't very many people here. You'd think that, more people would be curious, but noooooo, they all just had to be _normal_. Apparently, getting bored and getting a sex change wasn't something everyday people did. How odd.

Oh! Someone just came in! OH MY GOD IT'S EMILY!! But why is she hiding her face?

"Hey Emily!!" I screamed across the 20 square foot waiting room.

"Oh god…..It's you." She muttered.

"Hey Emily are you here for a sex change too?!"

"Yes, now keep it down. Think of what my boyfriend would say!"

"Oh, you mean Paul?" I asked.

"No it's Sam. WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK!!" She yelled back.

I motioned her to keep her voice down; people were starting to stare. Well not that they didn't already, but, yeah… I sighed and gestured for her to come over. She walked slowly, trying not to be noticed, but as she sat next to me, the man sitting two seats away got up and moved to the other side of the room.

Trying to change the subject, I wondered aloud, "So what's your name gonna be?"

"James." She answered shortly.

"Really? That's so plain. I'm gonna be Demetri!" I announced proudly. I had been up 3 nights deciding between Demetri and Bob.

Emily looked at me, one eyebrow raised. "Really?" she said, but from her tone I knew she could care less.

All of a sudden, a woman sat down beside Emily. WAIT!! It was a man!! Cool! I'd never met a drag queen before!

In a creepy falsetto, the man/woman questioned, "Are you guys here for a sex change? I'm here for one; I know my boyfriend will be happy. I think I'm gonna be Victoria!"

"Speak for yourself," I heard Emily mumble as the drag queen droned about her/his boyfriend.

"Erin K and Emily D, please report to the front desk." I don't know why the secretary said in on the intercom, we were right there. We walked up to the lady, and she scowled at us.

"Your operating tables will be ready in a few moments, is there anyone that I can call for you?" All through this, her face never moved an inch, which was really strange because her voice was EXTREMELY cheerful. Too much Botox, I guess. I had read about that stuff, but it was too domestic for my taste.

We heard a crash. Turning, we looked around, but saw no one.

"Wait!! Don't go in yet! I have to say good luck!!" The yell came from below, and we glanced down to see Bella Swan, my third cousin twice removed flat on her face. A tall, pale, sexy young man burst through the door, a look of pure horror on his face.

"Bella!" He screamed in panic. "Bella honey! Oh my god she's DEAD!!"

"No Edward," we heard a calm, professionally doctorish tone come from the entrance, "she just fell down. Again."

Four people, all strangely pale and beautiful, strolled in. There face frozen in a look of calm contentment.

"So you must be Erin?" The tall, blond business-like one greeted. "Bella has been talking about you non-stop since Alice had her vision."

OH MY GOD!! ALICE!! I ran up to the blonde beauty and threw myself into a hug.

"Ugh!" She screeched. "It's touching me!!" She threw me to the ground and I stared up at her, confused.

"What's wrong Alice?" I questioned. "Don't you love me anymore?"

She wrinkled her nose in disgust. "Alice? You think I'm Alice? HOW COULD YOU!? I'M ROSALIE FUCKING HALE!! How the hell could you mistake me for that ugly, black haired pixie!?"

"Oh you're Rosalie?" I muttered in disappointment. "Never mind then."

She glared at me murderously, but before she could say anything I continued, "So where IS Alice? And Jasper for that matter."

"Oh, Alice got…distracted." Esme murmured.

"Yeah, buying out all the clothes stores in town." Emmett grumbled.

"Erin K, it's your time for your surgery!" Mrs. Too-Much-Botox announced. I turned to leave, but heard a muffled, "good luck" from behind me. I turned to see Edward helping Bella off the floor. As I watched, she slipped out of his arms into a face plant onto the tile.

"OH MY GOD! BELLA! CARLISLE, SHE'S DEAD!!" Edward screamed in a panic.

"She's still breathing Edward," Emily snapped. "Even_ I_ can tell."

I was ushered through some swinging doors, and laid on a crisp, clean bed. I giggled as I listened to the sheets crackle.

"Sleep time!" The doctor announced in a sing-song voice, giving me an unnecessarily creepy grin before he shot me full of drugs. The last thing I saw before I succumbed to the darkness was Emily being settled down onto another hospital bed, singing zip-a-dee-doo-dah as she went


	2. HOUSE PARTY!

Chapter Two- HOUSE PARTY!!!

-A Few Days Later-

Emmett's POV

_OH MY GOD!!! I'm so frickin happy Esme and Carlisle have gone to visit the Volturi!! YES!! No one's here to tell me I can't invite any unsuspecting humans over and get them drunk!_

Oh. My. God. "HOUSE PARTY!!!" I screamed as loud as possible, scaring the crap out of Bella and making her fall down the stairs.

"EMMETT!" Uh oh. Now Edward was mad that I had just about killed his human play toy. "You just killed Bella!" He sobbed, laying down on the floor beside her body, crying his eyes out. Meanwhile, Bella sat up, a confused look on her face.

"What are you doing, Edward? Did Emmett break your piano again?"

"BELLA!! You're alive!" In his excitement, he flung himself at Bella (never seen him move so fast) and tackled her to the floor. Her head cracked against the floor, and she instantly lost consciousness.

"EDWARD!! What did you do?!" Alice shrieked as she ran through the doorway. "I was going to take her shopping, but you've ruined it! AND THERE'S A SALE!!!"

"ALICE! There's always a sale!" I screamed. "And you always take me to the dress section!" Horrible thoughts flashed through my head…..spaghetti straps…..push-up bras…..pink frilly skirts…ahhhhh…..

"Ahhhhh! The horror!" I wailed, and even Edward looked up from where he was crying in the corner after 'killing' Bella, who had already woken up and was in the kitchen trying to find food. In a vampire's house. Dumbass.

Just then Jasper skipped in. I mean that literally, and it's not gay because every cool person skips. You should know that.

"Why does everyone look so _sad_?" He almost cried, and then brightened creepishly fast, "I know what'll cheer you up! HOUSE PARTY!!!"

I immediately forgot all about Alice's shopping trips and jumped to my feet, 'accidently' kicking Edward in the head as I went.

"Hey!" He grumbled, but I ignored him. A house party doesn't wait.

"Oh my god!" Alice starting freaking out, and I mean twitching and jumping and spinning in circles, the whole deal. "Oh my GOD!! We could have a Barbie theme, or everything could be pink, no no, that fuchsia. Yes, fuchsia. It sounds so _designer_….." She kept babbling, but it was actually really easy to tune her out.

Jasper just looked at Alice and then turned away. "Okay… I'll go get the alcohol!"

"Oooooooooooh ohohohoh I'll go give out invitations!" I hollered. Before anyone could stop me, I flung myself out of a window and rolled all Indiana Jones like into the forest.

"Hahahahaha, you'll never catch me now!" I yelled.

"We're not chasing you." Edward muttered back.

_Hmmmmm_, I wondered. _Who should I go to first?_ ERIN!!!! Oops, sorry, DEMETRI!!!

I ran briskly to the plastic surgery wing of the hospital, and opened random doors and screamed in until I found Demetri. There was this random blonde girl sitting beside he/she's bed with flowers clutched in her hands.

"Hey Demetri! Is this your new girlfriend?!" I squealed excitedly. "Can I hug her?"

Just then Joel/the Gnome King/G-I Joel/Miley Cyrus/Rolie Polie Joelie walked in. "Hey!! That's my WIFE!!" He growled, glaring at Demetri and me.

"JOEL!!" The blonde girl glared at him. "Don't be rude. Unless it's to Plettell. Then you can do whatever you want. Except if it's nice. Because he _so_ doesn't deserve that…" She went on for about half an hour, until I interrupted, saving everyone's sanity.

"HOUSE PARTY!!!" I screamed yet again.

"OMG HOUSE PARTY!!" Erin/Demetri screeched, leaping off of the bed and ripping off her bandages. "Let's get started. People can't invite themselves!"

"Actually, technically, yes they could….." She started ranting all over again, AGAIN until someone interrupted, but this time it was Joel.

"WHY DID I MARRY YOU?!" He screamed, tearing his hair out. In unison Erin/Demetri, Joel and I all bolted out the door, screaming bloody murder.

"Wait up!" Dimly we heard a voice yell behind us. We turned around and Emily/James was running up beside us. "Don't leave me with her!"

After she/he caught up, we ran all around the town, inviting random people to our party and generally scaring the pants off everyone. Hopefully not literally. Though I can't say much for Erin/Demetri…..

-6 hours later-

"Man, this party sucks." I complained. There was only two people here, Plettell and Laurelai. And they each felt the need to scream at each other about his treatment of her. Dude, they weren't even married!

"LAURIE!" He screamed.

"PLETTELL!" She shrieked back.

"JASPER!" I yelled for good measure.

"EDWARD!" He screeched from upstairs.

"ALICE!" Edward snarled.

"ERIN!!" Erin/Demetri shouted as she jumped in through a window. "Oops, I mean, DEMETRI!!"

There was a short awkward silence, during which Emily/James and 30 other people started jumping in through windows.

"Let's get this party STARTED and HOT!!" I hollered, putting in the Black-Eyed Peas song.

Rosalie hesitantly stepped into the house, staring around in astonishment. "What the hell is this, and why wasn't I told?!"

"It's okay, Rose-Baby, we're having a HOUSE PARTY!!" my announcement was met with random cheers from the crowd, and then you could hear Erin/Demetri's booing. I turned to stare at her, and she/he smiled sheepishly.

"Just wanted to try it out." She/he muttered, and then ran around the crowd, poking them and then hiding behind things and pointing at other people.

"You DUMBASS!!" Rosalie yelled. "I'm going upstairs." She stomped up every step, and accidentally stomped too hard, breaking a hole through the stairs. Bella was coming down the stairs, and got her foot stuck in the hole, then tripped and fell down the stairs.

Edward screamed like a little girl and ran over, crying, but then Bella got up and slapped him.

"Get a hold of yourself! This is an emergency!" She screamed hysterically, then jumped on a table and began to do the chicken dance. Edward just stared at her in horror.

I started balling, Rosalie's comment finally making sense. I ran into a corner and cried my eyes out, sobbing unnecessarily loud.

I felt a small, freakishly cold hand on my shoulder and looked up to see that scary blonde girl staring down at me sympathetically.

"Is there anything I can do to help you through this tough time?" She asked softly. In answer, I snatched her off of her feet and bear-hugged her, nearly breaking her ribs.

Rosalie's POV

OH MY GOD!! Disgusting! There were six teenagers ON MY BED, making out! WHAT THE HELL!! I screamed as loudly as possible, and a boy looked up.

"Wanna join?" OMG it's MIKE NEWTON!!

Just then, a girl's face popped up. OMG it's BROOKE!!

"GET OUT OF MY ROOM BEFORE I RIP YOUR HEADS OFF!!" I screeched even louder, and they all ran out of the room, except for Newton, who I had to throw out.

I ran down the stairs to get the cleaning supplies, and saw something that made my blood run cold.

"What blood?" Edward came out of nowhere. Apparently he was over Bella's non-death now. "You don't have blood, you're a vampy."

"Shut UP!!" I yelled. I turned back to the terrible, terrible scene. Emmett had some strange creepy-ass blonde girl in his arms, and he was twirling her hair through his fingers, murmuring in a sing-song voice: "Oooooooooooh it's like sunshine! It's all SHINY! Like GOLD!! Oooooooh!"

I don't know what happened. I just freaked out, and everything went black. When I woke up, there was blood all over.

ESME'S GOING TO KILL ME!!! I had to hide the bodies. I looked around, ands saw the bodies of Mike Newton, Jessica, That creepy-ass blonde girl, Alice, Bella and ….. EMMETT.

I looked towards the couch, and saw Edward in the corner, rocking back and forth and singing Bella's lullaby. Jasper was slumped on the couch, and there were waves of depression coming off of him. I started crying.

"Stop it Jasper!" I yelled. "I can't take it anymore!" And with that, I killed myself. Somehow. Don't ask.


	3. SHOES! And a Little Imprinting

Chapter Three – SHOES!!! And a little Imprinting….

Anelise's POV (the awesomely cool one)

"SHOES!!!" I couldn't help it. They were just _there_. And they were purple. Peep toes. _With polka-dots_.

I ran into the shoe store, nearly taking out a poor woman with her 7 year old daughter. Oh well. SHOES.

Courtney and Quinn leaned over my shoulder, staring at the other shoes on display.

"Ooooooooh. Red. Black. SPARKLY!" Courtney whispered reverently.

"Oh. Shoes. Wow. Can we go look at some hoodies now?" Quinn's bored voice broke our semi-trance with the amazingly sparkly shoes, and we stared at her in horror. There was a long, awkward silence, before Courtney started to whisper.

"What?"

"How could she say that?"

"She must be mental. Don't worry, we can cure her."

"But how?"

"What the hell is wrong with you guys? I can still hear you!" She shouted.

"But…how…why…never…SHOES!!"

I had never heard such blasphemy. From QUINN, it was treason!!

"If you guys don't stop creeping on shoes, I will take away BOTH of your hats." We gasped. "PERMANENTLY."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" We both screamed.

"Not the hats. Never the hats!" Marie came out of nowhere, a tragically terrified look on her face. "ANYTHING but the hats!!" With that, she ran away, maybe back to where she came from. That was cool; I always heard Narnia was a nice place.

"Quinn!" Courtney yelled without warning. "HOODIES!!"

"Where?" She started running in circles. "Where the hoodies?" And then ran off. To where, we don't know. Well, probably to a clothing store, but still. Who knows which one.

Courtney's POV (the wickedly awesome one)

We walked out of the store sometime later with at least two pairs of shoes each. Mine were so freaking wicked it wasn't even funny.

"What next?" I asked Annie. She just shrugged and hit the brim of my hat over my eyes. I swear it's a nervous twitch of hers.

"Weirdo…."

Annie just giggled and started skipping. Ya, skipping is what all the cool people do, you know? 'Cause if you don't, learn quickly. "Books……….."

I gasped. YES!!!! I don't know why I didn't think of it. Like seriously, I WORK at Chapters. Which means money. Which also means Twilight stuff. Which ALSO means more to add on to my collection.

Oh, I'm a little addicted to Twilight if you didn't know. As in I would stalk the actors in the movie if I could. And I would probably jump the actual people.

… Okay, so ya, I'm a freak.

I had almost forgotten about Quinn, but whatever. I mean, she's a werewolf. She'll eat anybody who tries to touch her. Not literally. At least, hopefully not.

… Now I'm scared.

Speaking of Quinn, where the hell was she?!

Oh. My. God.

What if Craddock had found her?!?!?!!?

RUN QUINN!!!!!

We ran around looking for Quinn, checking in every place we could think of; garbage bins, people's shopping bags, coffee cups, under wickedly awesome hats that we had to admire for several moments, and of course, in shoe stores.

But she was nowhere to be found.

"Hey guys!!! Come look at this!!!"

Quinn's POV

Wow. I had never seen so many people in front of this store before. I mean, come on, it was Lulu Lemon; their stuff was crap and WAY over expensive.

But today there was a huge-ass crowd, and they seemed to be looking at something on the floor. Probably a puppy or something, one of those little tiny itsy bitsy Paris Hilton purse puppies that look like you could kill them if you look at them too hard.

I started to turn away, until I heard a deep, masculine voice coming from the middle of the crowd.

"Help!! Help!! Oh God, someone help me!! They're raping me!!"

"Oh no!" I screamed. I mean, normally I wouldn't help them or anything, but come on. You never know who's under there. I was curious.

I shoved aside girls of all ages (including a toddler) and had to drop kick a few out of my way. I pulled some hair, which I'm not proud of, but what works, works.

FINALLY, I got to the centre of the horde, and what I saw there completely blew my mind.

It was Jacob (with sexy short hair), and he was squirming on the ground, weakly flailing his arms while wailing, "Stop! Stop it!"

"What the hell?" I cried, and quickly took out some Marilyn Manson (who is amazing) and blasted it from a boom box. Don't ask. The girls surrounding him shrieked and ran, holding their hands over their ears and screaming in high pitched voices.

He started to get up, and dusted himself off. "Oh my God, thank you SO much! I wasn't sure what they were going to do with….." His voice trailed off as he caught sight of my face. "HOLY SHIT IT'S YOU!!" He screamed joyfully.

"Umm, I've never met you before, but okay….well at least not face to face." I was mildly freaked out, but I don't really mind if Jacob is my stalker, I mean really. _He's HOT!!!_

He jumped and grabbed me, swinging me around ii dizzying yet really fun circles (hehe, it's like an amusement park ride :P he could sell tickets) and screaming "FINALLY!! Who cares about Bella, now I got you!!"

Um, is it just me, or do you think he just imprinted on me?!?!?!?!?! Awesome.

Jacob's POV

This is amazing!! I came here to get away from the depressingness of having Bella be dead (I'm in Canada now, AWESOMEST PLACE ON THE EARTH), and I found my soulmate!!!

Of course, I got mobbed and nearly raped by a crowd of creepy hormonal fan girls of all ages, but still. YAY!!

I put my little mate down, and grinned at her. Without warning, she was shoved BRUTALLY out of the way, and I found a tall, red haired spaz attack right in front of me. I started to run away (she might try to rape me) but she grabbed me by the arms and shook me violently.

"WHERE IS HE?!?!?!" She screamed.

"Who?" I gasped.

"EDWARD!!! TAKE ME TO HIM!!!" She yelled back, and another, curly haired, girl popped up behind her, but she didn't yell.

"Jasper….." She sounded like a creepy zombie as she stared at me insanely with hugenormous eyes. "Jasper…" She repeated, tilting her head to the side and cackling.

With that, the first girl fell to the ground sobbing. "Why? Why won't you take me, you cruel, cruel beast. Why?!?!"

"You better take them." My soulmate muttered, brushing herself off. "They'll never shut up or leave you alone otherwise. They'll just get more violent."

"Ummmmm…" I brightened. "We can invite them all to the wedding!"

"Yes…yes...the wedding...ha...haha…" She hedged. "Um, I'm Quinn, by the way."

"Cool, I'm-"

"Jacob, I know!" All three girls yelled together, and then the other two resumed crying and screaming at me to 'take them to my leader'. Whatever.


	4. Awesometasticnessfulable

Chapter Four – The Day Before The Awesometasticnessfulable WEDDING!!!

**Jacob's POV**

"WHY WON'T YOU MARRY ME?!?!?! I WUVS WOO!!!" I screamed frantically as the love of my life that I had only known for two minutes denied my marriage proposal. WHY?!

"Whoa now, doggie. Don't go all scoobie-doo on me now." My Quinner muttered, stepping backwards with her arms half raised. Under her breath I heard her say, "Just back away slowly now, he won't notice if you back away slowly."

"NO!!! Bubble-pie, don't leave me!!!!" I squealed like the manly wolf-thing I was.

"WHAT did you call me? I am Quinn, hear me ROAR!!!" She growled before round-house kicking me into a store front. In my rage, I spun to face an old woman who watching over her two small what I assumed to be grandchildren.

"WHY WON"T YOU MARRY ME?!?!" Punching out in anger, my fist connected with her fake teeth, sending her flying into a plane about to take off in the mall. Shut up, this thing was like the West Ed mall.

"Will you marry me now?" I questioned desperately.

"You just punched my grandma. What the hell?"

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw those creepy ass girls that BRUTALLY pushed my soulmate out of the way before, sit down in stolen lawn chairs, eating stolen popcorn out of a stolen bucket wearing stolen hats with stolen glitter all over.

"Jasper…." the creepy curly haired one whispered. "Soon….I am waiting…..aggggggghhhhh…"

"Sparkles…..all over…sparkles….I FREAKING GLITTER!!!" the now reddish blonde girl with purple streaks crooned.

I stared in shock and horror, at least until I felt my neck being Jai Ho!ed by my love. And yes. I said Jai Ho!. If you have never been Jai Ho!ed, I HOPE YOU WILL BE IN THE NEXT FIVE MINUTES!!! It hurts. Like when your fingernails are ripped off as you're tortured by a 253 flying robotic monkeys filled with bloodlust after talking beavers invaded their homeland on AljdfLhdf. What? Hasn't ANYONE else had that happen to them?

…. Seriously? No one? Dammit Embry!!!! YOU SAID EVERYONE DID!!!!!!!!!!!

"THERE'S NO WAY IN HELL I'D MARRY YOU, CREEPER CHILD!!!" She screeched.

"WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME?!?!" I wailed, kicking the children that were with the old woman/Quinn's grandma. OH MY GOD I'm turning into Laurie!!! Next I'll be boiling live puppies and throwing kittens at people, not to mention birthing dancing turtle babies!!

Oh God!! I'm a woman!

I broke down, sobbing my eyes out. If I was a woman I couldn't marry Quinn because she didn't know or want LaFonda! She didn't know I was a transvestite.

But only on Tuesdays.

"Fine. I'll just go home and eat chocolate while watching The Dark Knight, then chocolate ice cream with Amusement, then maybe some double chunk chocolate cookies with Freak Dog. Then I'll read The Demonata series until I fall asleep."

"WHAT?!" Her head whipped around, my plans distracting her from where she had started watching a marching band stroll through Winners. Oh wait, it was just those two freaky girls playing flute while another elf-lady-like-man-thing was playing trumpet while asking random people around her if they'd like her to spin a room full of straw into gold, then 'discreetly' PILFERING their jewelry when they said no.

"Well….." My pookie-poo deliberated. "If you're gonna be like that…YES I'LL MARRY YOU!! I love the Demonata, and all those random movies that almost no one has ever heard about besides the Dark Knight!!"

"QUINN!" Chelsea popped out of nowhere, and I mean NO WHERE. "You're only fourteen!"

"But she's 98 in dog years!" I whined. She continued to glare at me in silence. "I'll….I'll…give you twenty bucks?" I asked.

"NO! I want a good cut of this deal, buddy."

"FINE!!" I yelled. "You can borrow the Demonata series."

"YAY" She screamed, going all Chelsea-hyper until the man in a white coat ran over and stuck a needle in her neck.

"Shhhh…it'll all be over soon….." He murmured, lowering her to the ground. He then stepped to the side, 'hiding' behind a pillar. "I'll always be here…waiting…watching…"

"YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I screamed in triumph, and grabbed the first person I saw into a hug. I threw them onto the ground, about to turn to hug my Quinner when I realized who I had hugged.

"OH MY GOD!!! DEMETRI!!! I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU SINCE LAST TUESDAY!!!" I reached to grab him/her back up, but he/she leapt away.

"I am not Demetri! Who is this Demetri you speak of?" She screamed in indignation. "I am ERINSTILSKIN, RULER OF ALL!!" With that, she plopped an overly large Zelda elf hat on her head, which immediately fell over her eyes. She giggled and began running in circles screaming, "Where are you? Where are you?" before slamming into a wall.

Emily/James looked up from where she/he was flirting with some random Max guy. "Oh, that is Demetri/Erin/Erinstilskin, she just has _issues_. Not like us normals."

"Oh yeah." Erin/Demetri/Erinstilskin commented. "I am Demetri….BUT ONLY ON TUESDAYS!!!"

"Then why did you get a sex change if you only want to be a man for 1/7 of your life?" Emily/James wondered.

"Why did you? Why does a bird fly south in the winter? Why is this building here? Why are platypuses considered freaks? THEY WANT TO BE LOVED TOO! Why do we question why?! Some things are just facts of life, EmJay."

Erin/Demetri/Erinstilskin and I looked at each other, and instantly screamed, "CREEPDANCE!" and we began to do the creepdance dance we do every Tuesday night at the clu….I mean, convention.

Quinn stared at us both in horror. "Good thing you have chocolate…"

**Courtney and Anelise's POV** Shut up. We're psychic. Telepathically connected. STOP MAKING FUN OF US!!

"Oh. My. God. WE NEED DRESSES!!" We both screamed at the same time. Of course it was at the same time. We're telepathic, remember?

Quinn stared at us both. "No. No, no no no no. NO!"

"Pweeeeeeeeeese, Quinnerdoodle? Pwetty Pweeeeeeeeese?" Courney weedled, making puppy dog eyes at her, that completely failed due to her lack of experience with puppy dog eyes, as she normally did rawr-I-eat-your-face- eyes.

"NO!" she screamed again, but we dragged her off anyway. No one is a match for Cornalise!!! "Jacob, HELP ME!!" But him and Erin/Demetri/Erinstilskin just continued to creep dance.

/

JUST IN CASE YOU WANTED TO KNOW WHAT CREEP DANCING WAS, WATCH THIS!!! The weirdos in the body suits are creep dancing :P Plus it's a kick-ass song :D

.com/watch?v=Xsp3_a-PMTw


	5. Awesometasticnessfulable WEDDING!

Chapter Five – The Awesometasticnessfulable WEDDING!!!

**Quinn's POV**

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

COOKIES!!!

**Cornalise's POV**

OMG we found the COOLEST dresses EVER!! And they went PERFECTLY with our SHOES bought in earlier CHAPTERS!!! THANK you ALICE!!

My first personality's dress (Courtney) was red with coolness loop gatherings on the skirt and a corset top.

**PICTURES ON PROFILE!!! GO LOOK THEY SWEETNESS!!!!**

My second personality's dress (Anelise) was purple with a corset top with beading and a ruffled skirt.

Chelsea's dress was a beautiful dark blue with a beaded corset and a coolness skirt.

And last but not least, THE BRIDE QUINN!! Her dress was gothic, of course :P

POKEMON MASTER!!!

Oh. Yeah. The wedding. OKAY!!

So, the wedding was SUPPOSED to have started three hours ago, but it wasn't quite happening like that. Millions of fangirls had shown up and were assaulting Jacob, so it wasn't exactly going as planned…

"OH MY GOD!!!" Screamed a strangely familiar voice.

"Now where have we heard that voice before?" Demetri/Erin/Erinstilskin wondered. "OH!! I KNOW!!!! It's the cannibal strip of FRENCH TOAST CRUNCH!!!"

We all stared at her/him in silence. I mean, we knew she was nuts with her crazy cat lady mentality paired with extreme schizophrenia due to her lack of communication with other human beings at a young age because her parents dropped her off in the wilds of Africa because she kept eating her brothers and sisters because she watched TV too much because of the lack of response from her teachers as they were about to retire from all of the creepy-ass children like her that suffered from depression, but this was something else.

"NO, idiot, it's ME!!" the annoyingly shrill voice, not unlike that of a Ukrainian yip thing that I don't know what it's called, but yeah, screamed out.

We all glanced at each other in confusion, then began to search the room for Snap, Crackle and Pop. I know they're small, but HOW?!?! Where do they keep hiding, and WHY DON'T THEY LOVE ME ANYMORE?!?!?! I JUST WANT TO EAT THEM!!!

"NO!" It screamed, just before some strange alien object came crashing down off the roof. Oh wait, it was just Marie.

"HEY Marie!" We shrieked in joy. "Wait, why are you back here? I thought you lived in Narnia."

"Oh, I did, but I was kicking too many talking beavers for Anelise and Aslan kicked me out because they eat the talking beavers there. The camp in the movie is actually a talking beaver refugee camp, not a war camp." She stated. "Besides, Mr. Tumnus has a hat fetish and kept taking my hats. WHY?!?! WHY THE HATS?!?!?! HAVE MERCY FOR THE HATS!!!! So I killed him with my plastic ninja stars."

"Oh. Well. YOU CAN STAY WITH ERIN/DEMETRI/ERINSTILSKIN!!!" We screeched.

"NO!! NOT ERIN/DEMETRI/ERINSTILSKIN!! OH, THE HORROR!!" She wailed, flailing on the ground in her terror and pain and horror and agony and sadfulness. She jumped up, and ran for the random Rabbit Hole from Alice in Wonderland that was in the corner. Alice was just crawling out, mumbling, "Oh, finally, free of that hell hole," when Marie ran by her.

"STOP MAKING FUN OF ME!!" She screamed, kicking Alice back into the hole and then jumping down herself.

"Well….now that that's over, let's GET ON WITH THE WEDDING!"

"But…Jacob is still being raped by fangirls……" A hobo in the corner pointed out.

"Oh. Yeah. Well, he can still say I do, can't he?" We questioned.

"Umm…" A hobo sitting on Jaydean answered. Yes, he was sitting on her. Take it how you will. "Well, they kinda gagged him…"

We all looked at Quinn to see if she was in any condition to drop kick any more babies, but she was just sitting in the middle of the floor, rocking back and forth muttering, "Oh God…Craddock in the change rooms…SOUR SKITTLES AND PEANUT BUTTER SOUP, HE'S IN THE CHANGE ROOM!!"

Embry walked in then. "Okay, what's with the army of gnomes sitting on the lawn? There's this one with brown hair on Pride Rock and I think he's planning a revolt against Snap, Crackle and Pop. And you may want to call whoever collects the road kill off of the roads, because I think they took Pride Rock by force…"

Seth walked in behind him. "All taken care of Embry." He smiled, rubbing his stomach. "What? I was hungry!" He complained when we all gave him that, Holy-crap, you-just-launched-Timone-into-space-where-he-landed-on-a-planet-where-a-Muslim-archer-was-making-salsa look.

Chelsea grinned. "Hey guys, we can get Rolie-Polie-Joelie and his army of gnomeness to attack the fangirls and then Quinner can get married and we can eat cake!"

A loud thump sounded right before we heard a small, a little more than slightly angry, voice squeak. "Firetrucking mushroom soup eating bi-fold cupboard!"

We spun around to see G-I-Joel, in gnome form, kicking Miley Cyrus in the head after landing on her from the vent where he had been hiding and plotting THE DEATH OF ALL CELL PHONES!!

"Gnomes! Untie!!" He screamed, and instantly a very Left For Dead zombie-like horde of gnomes rushed out of the cracks in the walls and converged on the fangirls assaulting Jacob, who we had just kind of…..left to be raped…for the past hour.

"LIONS AND TIGERS AND BEARS, OH MY!!!" Screeched Seth. Instantly all of the g-nom-knees in the room swiveled around to glare at him.

"We are GNOMES!!! Not leprechauns, elves, or dwarves, we are GNOMES!! FLESH EATING GNOMES!!!" G-I-Joel screamed, then continued to converge (haha I like that word) on the rapist-molesting-creepy-ass-weirdo-gropey-feely-fanigirls.

"WHAT ABOUT ME?!?!" We all turned to see Laurie glaring at us with a very lobster red face, as Plettell would point out. "Aren't you gonna try and kill me or something? Stab me with a red pen, set a werewolf or two on me. You know, push me off a building? Here, I'll even go stand by the edge for you."

"Um………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….Good idea, but no. We thought you were here for the wedding, we sent the invitations to every Red-Bull van we saw." Chelsea piped up.

VERY suddenly, the wall was suddenly smashed to pieces and Plettell suddenly rode in on the back of a HUGEnormous Aragog like arachnid. That means spider in people talk, Erin. He had a harness for the spider and everything, even a lasso to apparently strangle Laurie with because let's face it, Plettell is out to kill Laurie. It's a fact of life.

"Hidey-Ho, man!" Plettell squealed in a very Laurie-just-got-told-that-there's-a-spider-kind-of-like-the-one-Plettell-was-currently-riding-on-her-back-at-the-golf-range-thing.

"What? Where's Laurie?" He searched the room frantically, panicked by the thought that his day could not be made by killing her as she was not here. He began hysterically lassoing the chairs, desperately trying to catch Laurie.

"What'cha talkin' 'bout? She's right…Oh my." Chelsea trailed off. We all spun to face Laurie, and for the first time noticed that she was no longer Laurie. She was Larry!! Which was short for Laurent, of course. HAHA you die in both the book AND movie!!

Larry/Laurent turned to face G-I-Joel with a very strange look on her face. "Do you love me now, Joel? Do you? I did this for YOU!!!"

"Um…you know…I'll just…stop eating this girl's face…and…RUN!!!!" All of the gnomes whirled around and charged out, hauling various body parts along with them.

Plettell suddenly realized that Larry was, in fact, Laurie, and snapped the reins and the spider leapt forward, running and stamping over Laurie where she was standing frozen in shock at seeing the big-ass spidey. I have to say, she died a horrible gory death, which makes her extreme fear of spiders seem like some pretty kick-ass foreshadowing in the story of life. Or the game. Whatever.

We all stood in silence, not quite believing that she was dead. Some in relief, some in sadness, most just eating cake. We watched solemnly (which means soberly, ERIN, no wine for you!) as a small procession of little spiders crawled through the cracks in the floor, over Laurie's body, and lifted her carcass off the floor. They immediately scuttled off with her, probably to slowly suck out all of the blood in her body before ingesting it with poison to liquefy her insides, and then eat that to. Then they would dispose of the shell away from their burrow thingy to be eaten by starving coyotes.

"Oh finally! I thought I'd never get outta there!" Yet again, we turned around and promptly fell down. What? We'd been spinning in circles trying to see everyone talk, it's not our fault they couldn't be considerate and just stand close together. Jeez.

Jacob pushed himself to his feet wearily. "Can we get on with the wedding please?" He complained. "I'm getting a camel toe."

Staring at him in shock, Quinn slowly backed away, then fell down the Rabbit hole, knocking Alice once again down the hole, where we could hear her screaming all the way down, hitting teacups and brooms and shoes as she went.

Paul quickly grabbed Quinn and forced her to stand beside Jacob and Embry, who was acting as minister, which I don't really think was legal, considering he didn't exactly have a license. Come to think of it, I don't think Jacob and Quinn had a marriage license either. Marriage licenses are dumb, why the heck do you need a LICENSE to get MARRIED?! What?! But yeah.

The wedding vows were said, blah blah blah, all that crap, and then it was time for The Quinner to say 'I do'. She instantly shook her head, glaring at everyone.

"I am NOT getting married to a camel toed- puppy!! He might pee on my carpet!! I LOVE my carpet!!"

Paul stared at her in silence, starting to take a knife out of his pocket, when Seth popped out of nowhere.

"DO YOU LIKE FRENCH TOAST?!?!"

"I DO!!!!!!" she screamed back, and everyone cheered in happiness because now we could finally cut the cake and eat it, even though it was already mostly gone because some people had jumped the gun and were already eating it. Except Seth. He scowled in disappointment.

"YOU DIDN'T SING THE SONG RIGHT!!!" He yelled back, looking very suicidal. Being the awesome people we were, Cornalise decided to save the day.

"DO YOU LIKE FRENCH TOAST?!?!"

"YES I LIKE FRENCH TOAST!!" Seth shouted back.

"DO YOU LIKE WAFFLES?!?!"

"YES!! I LIKE WAFFLES!!!"

"DO YOU LIKE PANCAKES?!?!"

"YES I LIKE PANCAKES!!!" Apparently satisfied that he got to sing his song, Seth grinned and ran off to the corner to eat the dead spiders left over from eating too much of Laurie's body.

"OH GOD!!! DAMMIT!!!" Plettell screamed as soon as the singingness hit his ears. "it's another happy occasion! NO!!!!" And ran out, tail tucked between his legs, the giant spider pouting green slobber over everything.

After the stupid wedding was FINALLY over (one gnome hadn't left and kept biting people's ankles, and the homeless people were getting rowdy) we all booked it outta there. No one wanted to have to help the bride into the hearse (they had no more limos available).

And so we all ran off into the sunset and poked the dead body that was in the lake while eating a Kit Kat smoothie.

"HEY EVERYBODY!!! I'm HERE!!!" Emily/James screeched, 10 gallons of silly string being pulled in her wake by rabid cheetahs, ready to crash the wedding. She looked around only to find the deserted cardboard box in the back alley behind McDonald's, with the exception of the hobos and Jaydean. She was still being sat on, but that didn't count. Everyone was gone because in Emily/James' world, time runs differently. At least they know her there.


End file.
